Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Faith and Fear

The last few weeks have been out of the ordinary for me. They have been a blessing. I was able to spend last Tuesday through Labor day with my dad, mom and brother. We were on a mission searching for a bear - yes, we were bear hunting.

Even my mom went out in the stand one night. We played cribbage. We laughed. We had lots of fun. I can not remember the last time I sat around the table and ate meals with my dad, mom and brother. I felt like time had stepped back 30 years. I even got to bunk in a bunk bed with my "little" brother one night! How fun is that. I realized again that I am truly blessed. Thanks mom, dad and Michael. It was an awesome week!

Before I left a friend blogged about distance making the heart grow fonder. It hit home. While away from Ryan and the kids, I missed them so much! But, I love coming home after being gone. It brought many hugs, "I love You's", smiles and stories of what happened while we were apart. It is easy for me to fall into daily routine and forget about what is really important - Precious hearts and a longing for interaction and bonding. I was reminded of the story of Martha and Mary. I read Luke 10:38-42. I was reminded again that I am truly blessed.

Thanks Ryan for letting me get away. Looks like you had fun at LifeLight! You are an amazing husband. Thanks for sending me your picture - and pictures of the kids.

I missed you Zachary, Amanda, Hannah, Grace and Greta.

I had about 5 hours of driving to and back home from the hunting cabin. Before I left I had downloaded an audio book that had just come out by Anne Jackson - "Permission to Speak Freely" It was a great book - I'd highly suggest it. It spoke a lot about confession.

When I got home I started catching up with laundry, cleaning house, getting kiddos ready for school, and reading a few blogs that I missed while I was away. I read a blog that I have been following. This family was going through some really hard times in their life and it was in relation to the adoption of their little boy. Fear gripped me. I moved on to the next blog. Another blog - Another family that was going through a trying time. It did not explain details, but was obvious that something is happening. Fear gripped me again. I have a confession. For the first time since we started the adoption process I found myself fearful. Fearful that we have made the wrong decision. Fearful that we will bring hurt and pain to our family as we know it. Fearful that we are shaking up something that we should not be. Fearful that there will be enough time to take care of another precious heart in this home - and what that will do to the precious hearts that already live here. Fearful that financially this was not the right timing. Fearful of what this will do to my marriage. I began "dreaming up" the what-ifs and began to create situations in my head that do not even exist.

Then I was reminded - Faith, Rachael. Faith. Mountains move when you have faith. I am excited to move forward. We have a home study visit tomorrow to complete our home study. I'm working on Dossier paperwork. One foot in front of the other I will have faith. It is in God's hands. He will take care of it. I will have Faith and let go of fear. My heart longs to grow deeper in relationship with my husband and kids. To continue to grow deeper in relationship all my family and friends. My heart longs to hold the child we do not yet know and grow in relationship with him or her while watching God continue to show me the house He is building. My heart longs to be more like Mary at the feet of Jesus.

1 comment:

Tammy said...

Just catching up on my blog reading....Great post Rachael!